The Gift To God, I Gave To Give -

To myself to I, to God I asked
what nature of sample shall I give,

the tribute must be something, already possessed
and not a thing to be acquired or easily accessed,
what type of treasure, what placid pleasure,
what measure of scintillating success should be expressed,

as does everyone I experience the panic of pain,
that terrible teacher of no remorse whose curriculum 
makes carion of cowards,
but as a student of Life and thus a pupil of pain
I realised that my mind can be a calm cistern,
my heart a coffer of adversity's copious rewards,

the determination is made,
my proudest possession, enlightenment derived from pain,
enchanting and admonishing like the howls hungry beasts,
a gift of character, a jewel of dreams manifest,
God accepted and said,
" Someone, somewhere, somehow is suffering to better feats" -

I know how it feels....................

I know how it feels when you are happy and run out to see no one to share

I know how it feels when you want to share  a song and realise you stand alone

I know how it feels when you to are looking good and want an appreciation just to find the mirror smiling back at you

I know how it feels when you want to cry and there is no one to touch you softly

I know how it feels when you want to share a thought and there is no ear to lend

I know how it feels when you want a juvenile answer and you are told to grow up   

I know  how it feels when you want to make love and there is no warm bed

I know how it feels when you give all your love and there is a skeleton in the grave

I know how it feels when you make mistakes and never forgiven

I know how it feels when you want to reach out and the hole becomes deeper

I know it feels when you want to fight a battle and you turn around to see you are the only general

I know how it  feels when you say the truth and the eyebrows rise

I know how it feels when you are a rebel even your friends are against you

I know how it feels when you say NO that its raining WHY

I know how it feels when you want to feel alone that you are asked a million questions

I know how it feels when you just want to be YOU and the world comes pouring in.............

I never played HOLI again:)

I remembered my grandmother today. I cried and I wished she was here.You always hear people say move ahead in  life but today somehow the world has stopped for me... come holi and I yearn for her.
Her benevolent smile early in the morning when she used to get up and put colors on my cheek and  say" krishna ki lali hai".and kiss me .She had painstakingly made the gujiyas and the lavang latikas and the whole house smelt of ghee and the fever.
The shiuli she picked from the garden whiffed a fragnance which I can still smell ,breathe and when I close my eyes ...she comes floating back..
Life was so different then,innocent,joyful and without care.You never thought who you played holi with.Not like today where you play only with the ones that matter or is of some use in your life.Everything comes today with an expectation.No one wishes you out of love but out of reason.
I called her AMMA.The beautiful grey haired lady wrapped up in a crisp white saree.. her crinkled hands cupping my face and those eyes  were precious pools of laughter.She  left with me her sensitive eyes ...maybe...she had been a widow for as long as I remember but never forgot to play holi with me and my sister.She said love the radha in you and see how beautiful the world would be.Her bhaang ke pakoras were something only she could make I miss her immense enthusiasm, her zest and her love for life.
She was the one who pushed me out of bed ,made me wear my ghagra choli, take my colours and call my friends. Maybe  she lived her life through me.Her childlike and playful behavior for the festival new no bounds.As long she was with me holi was a festival of love care and uncanny magic.Like radha waiting for her beloved to come and make love to me.

Its been 23 years since she died and my holi has never been the same ever.I am still waiting for my krishna to come and colour me but i think they both smile from above looking down at me with tenderness and love.
I have never ever actually played Holi after that:)

ME ON ME

ME ON ME
Lifes taken a full circle in these two years.Change they say is inevitable and so it has happened for me.I have met people ,lost some, gained some and met my moments , lost some ,reached out.looked more beautiful ,fallen in love, tried to experiment,painted ,smiled ,helped people ,flown out,made love,cried,been benevolent,accepted my weakness done every other thing that life has to offer..............

I have also opened new wounds ,got hurt and taken in pain.pain to understand ,pain to love pain to please.Everything in life has a flip side and everything is selfish.some just so much more some less.I have painted my heart my mind and my soul colored them  viciously,hues of love ,strength,care ,trust,belief .I entrusted my being in your hands or so I believed but today when i woke up I looked into your eyes ,my eyes and I saw brilliance.......a spark that said .hey dear woman you're all wrong!!!!

My evaluation ..all wrong but why ?

You are not selfish the mirror said ,be selfish ,learn to be one and see the change....You will not cry or feel pain or sad and upset.just turn your head high up and move on uphill on to the wondrous  road of selfishness.
Right now I am standing where two roads diverge in the woods.and I ask myself do I take the one less trodden by?
The road to being selfish is easy,smooth butter there a million lovely people traveling by.so much happening ,so much gaiety,its wonderful to be here.So many I know,have loved and lost .everyone is here!
The road to not being one is .rocky and dark rough and not many pass you by.it is less traveled ,scary and tough.

Today when i stand on this crossroad of a choice to be made, there is a plethora of questions that fill my mind,asking me, pushing me .I have no answers I have no reason.............
I look into your eyes and say the road less traveled by!